Fashionigma

Because the well dressed can be well read.
Cole Haan Air Sadie Driver in Rock Candy, $178, Zappos.com. I recently poked fun at a rather adorable individual who was dressed head to toe in Brooks Brothers.  While the style makes but all of my friends violently ill, a man in a cardigan with suede elbow patches gives me a thump where it really counts if ya know what I mean. “And what’s your style?” he scoffed, gesturing at my unlined Matty M blouse with a black lace Victoria’s Secret bra poking through, American Apparel Tricot leggings, and Stuart Weitzman Motorcycle boots.  How very Meatpacking at 2 AM - not in the streetwalker sort of way - well, maybe the expensive kind.  But little did this gentleman know that come summer he and I would be a match made in Connecticut country club heaven.   As the weatherman chirps that today is gonna be a cool 72 degrees, my summer alter-ego finds it’s time to slap on the ‘ole Burberry shades and make a quick stop-in for a blowout.  A J Crew navy gingham shirt, khaki shorts, a Nautica braided belt, and these gorgeous Cole Haan driving mocs, and I’m perfectly ready to reclaim my position as a regular Hamptonette.  Next stop?  Isn’t it obvious?  Why, The Frying Pan of course!  Where else does plaid go to fornicate?

Cole Haan Air Sadie Driver in Rock Candy, $178, Zappos.com.

I recently poked fun at a rather adorable individual who was dressed head to toe in Brooks Brothers.  While the style makes but all of my friends violently ill, a man in a cardigan with suede elbow patches gives me a thump where it really counts if ya know what I mean. “And what’s your style?” he scoffed, gesturing at my unlined Matty M blouse with a black lace Victoria’s Secret bra poking through, American Apparel Tricot leggings, and Stuart Weitzman Motorcycle boots.  How very Meatpacking at 2 AM - not in the streetwalker sort of way - well, maybe the expensive kind.  But little did this gentleman know that come summer he and I would be a match made in Connecticut country club heaven.  

As the weatherman chirps that today is gonna be a cool 72 degrees, my summer alter-ego finds it’s time to slap on the ‘ole Burberry shades and make a quick stop-in for a blowout.  A J Crew navy gingham shirt, khaki shorts, a Nautica braided belt, and these gorgeous Cole Haan driving mocs, and I’m perfectly ready to reclaim my position as a regular Hamptonette.  Next stop?  Isn’t it obvious?  Why, The Frying Pan of course!  Where else does plaid go to fornicate?

After viewing the video above I have very little faith that the words I now type will ever be read.  Still, I felt a duty to the female public to acknowledge the sorcery that is Kate Upton, and her slammin’ dance  moves. 

With a belly full ‘a homemade meatballs and iced cream sandwiches (what a man will do for a few good pumps), I dragged a date out for a night full ‘a dancin’.  It was only when I began to get ma groove thing on that I realized… Kate Upton has condemned us all.  You might think this is what you look like at the club, but face it, YOU’RE JEWISH, and the closest you’re gonna get to THAT is Rob Schneider in The Hot Chick.

But don’t for a second think that the curly brunette mop atop my head is actually gonna stop my attempts to reenact the above scene.  Just remember that ya can’t just force it.  Didn’t health class teach you anything?  You gotta lube that shit, and lube it good!  3 or 4… or 5 Mojitos should really do the trick.  Maybe then we can upgrade you to a Julia Stiles a la Save The Last Dance.  She might not be Jewish, but anyone who dances THAT white certainly is related to a member of the tribe somewhere down the line.

Tod’s x La Scala.  Last fall Tod’s gave the Milanese ballet company a grant to fund its productions.  This coincided with Tod’s release of a limited-edition ballet shoe and the short film above.

When I heard rumors that Derek Lam was leaving his post as Creative Director of Tod’s I thumped a ‘lil, and not in the good way.  WWD confirms that after five years as Creative Director, Lam’s Fall 2012 collection for Tod’s would his last.  

The greatest pleasure I got from my time at Tod’s (I worked in an office full of Italian men, so there were many pleasures) was digging through the racks of Lam’s latest confections.  And confections they were.  The integrity of the craftsmanship in each Tod’s creation is evident in even the smallest of trinkets.  Imagine a simple leather jacket as a Land ‘O Lakes stick ‘a butta.  Tod’s Ready-To-Wear is just that kinda goodness.

WWD points out that Lam’s departure suspiciously coincides with continued speculation that John Galliano is in talks with the Italian house to either do a Tod’s capsule collection or revamp its Schiaparelli brand.  However, Tod’s Chairman, Chief Executive Officer, and Founder, Diego Della Valle has firmly dismissed these rumors.  Is that ‘cause Galliano is a former fan of the sauce, or just ‘cause?  Still, other reputable sources like Harper’s Bazaar UK report a similar tale, “Speculation is mounting that John Galliano may make his return to fashion by revamping the Tod’s’ Schiaparelli brand or may even lend his name to a capsule collection.”

Della Valle purchased the Schiaparelli trademark in 2007, and that’s Schiaparelli, as in Elsa Schiaparelli, the legendary Italian fashion designer and a foremother of modern sportswear.  The Trademark was a predictable purchase for DDV who has relentlessly dedicated himself and Tod’s Group to the preservation of Italian heritage.  But In 2009 WWD reported that DDV wouldn’t try to revive the house until at least 2011.  Olivier Theyskens and Roland Mouret have both been rumored to be in the running for Creative Director, and in a 2010 New Yorker article Anna Wintour added her two sense to the mix, “The Mulleavys (Rodarte) are ripe for a house who might be looking for a designer. A place like Schiaparelli, which is just sitting there waiting for the economy to be better — I think they’d be perfect for that.”

And not even $700 loafers can hold ‘em back, ‘cause apparently, things sure are lookin’ up for DDV.  The maker of Hogan and Roger Vivier footwear has advanced 32 percent this year, giving it a market value of 2.5 billion euros.  Sales at stores open at least a year were reported to have climbed 7.1 percent on average in the first 11 weeks of 2012, and analyst estimates compiled by Bloomberg found that the company saw a profit profit of 130.8 million euros.

This surge in company value surely puts Tod’s in a place to move forward with Schiaparelli.  In December, WWD talked to Della Valle and tried to get the scoop on the dormant label but unlike most of the Italians I know (if watching Real Housewives of New Jersey constitutes a place of ‘knowing’), he was not very chatty, only offering that “his company is working on the project but not ready to talk about it.”  But in light of the Prada/Schiaparelli exhibit about to open at The Met, it seems like the perfect time to relaunch the iconic brand — pardon my Italiano Teresa Guidice, I meant “perfecto.”

DISCLAIMER: No table-flipping was involved in the making of this post.

Yesterday my best friend left for a week-long apartment hunting trip to London-Town.  Her and the fiancé are just relocating for a ‘lil while.  I know the bitch is breaking my heart just so she can say, “Oh, hahahah, that’s just like when I lived in London…”  Very Amanda Bynes in ”What A Girl Wants,” without the whole, “Colin Firth, are you my daddy?” thing. 

I told her to prep for the trip by watching Midnight In Paris, substitute the Eiffel Tower with Big Ben and Hemingway with Dickens, or I dunno, J.K. Rowling?  Apart from my jealousy, this trip got me thinking about my “quasi” hometown.  I am 1/2 Waterman you know, and the Watermans are a British institution!  No one sells naughty books quite like they do!

My British fervor practically had me seein’ Prince Harry in ma dreams, not that he wasn’t there already, but lucky me, Burberry decided to drop this short on craftsmanship just a few days ago and calm my cravin’ for somethin’ of the Pattinson variety.  I mean, what’s more British than Burberry?!

In 1880, Burberry introduced gabardine, a hardwearing, water-resistant yet breathable fabric.  This allowed Burberry to become the outfitters for Roald Amundsen, the first man to reach the South Pole, and Ernest Shackleton, who led a 1914 expedition to cross Antarctica. A Burberry gabardine jacket was even worn by George Mallory on his ill-fated attempt on Mount Everest in 1924, but we can just chalk that one up to a factory defect…  

In 1914 Burberry was commissioned by the War Office to adapt its officer’s coat to suit the conditions of contemporary warfare, resulting in the “trench coat.”  After the war, the trench became popular with “civilians,” otherwise known as “people,” and the video above brings such wartime nostalgia to surface.  

Typically there is a stigma associated with fashion, that it is frivolous and irrelevant to society.  However, in addition to the positions directly related to the manufacturing of apparel, the fashion industry creates jobs in many other sectors such as printing, shipping, distribution, magazine publishing, advertising, publicity, merchandising, and retail.  This Burberry film highlights the unique heritage of British industry that is often unnoticed by the average consumer.

So what I’m really tryina say is, if ma bestie don’t walk off that tarmac with a some sort of Burberry trinket, there will be HELL to pay!  HELL I tell ya!

It’s not fashion week until you’ve seen a model do the newborn giraffe weeble wobble while struttin’ her stuff Miss J style down the runway. Pauline Hoarau was like a driver in distress on the side of the highway, and Othilia Simon just passed her, hazard lights and all like, “Beep beep, bye bitch.”  But Daria Strokous and Suri Koponen certainly won Sister of the Week awards in my book.  I’m actually surprised more girls didn’t throw out the ‘ole helpin’ hand.  It can’t be that hard to support a 45 lb. piece ‘a ham.  

Anthony Vaccarello Fall 2012 Show, Milan, February 28, 2012.

DAILY INSPIRATION: OLD NEW YORK The Carnegie Mansion at Fifth Avenue and 91st Street in 1903.   Carnegie’s 1898 purchase of the land from 90th to 91st Street, inspired a land rush as homebuyers swarmed to what had been a lukewarm stretch of Fifth Avenue, far above the established millionaire zone.  Carnegie had bought most of 91st between Fifth and Madison, and up to the south corner of Fifth and 92nd.  Much of this he sold to people he knew would build mansions like his.  My family for example, was a clear choice.   One parcel he did not immediately acquire was the southeast corner of Fifth and 90th. But in 1917 he bought it for a cool $1.7 million.  Guess he didn’t like the idea of any old Tom-Dick-or-Harry millionaire blockin’ his southern light. (The New York Times)

DAILY INSPIRATION: OLD NEW YORK

The Carnegie Mansion at Fifth Avenue and 91st Street in 1903.  

Carnegie’s 1898 purchase of the land from 90th to 91st Street, inspired a land rush as homebuyers swarmed to what had been a lukewarm stretch of Fifth Avenue, far above the established millionaire zone.  Carnegie had bought most of 91st between Fifth and Madison, and up to the south corner of Fifth and 92nd.  Much of this he sold to people he knew would build mansions like his.  My family for example, was a clear choice.  

One parcel he did not immediately acquire was the southeast corner of Fifth and 90th. But in 1917 he bought it for a cool $1.7 million.  Guess he didn’t like the idea of any old Tom-Dick-or-Harry millionaire blockin’ his southern light.

(The New York Times)

A classic New York breakfast feast!  Never did I want a meat so badly to be in my mouth.  One everything, whole wheat flagel with egg-whites, low-fat Swiss Alpine Lace cheese, and a few well-done slices of bacon for good measure. It maybe be “Mind Over Matter March,” but I bet self-control doesn’t taste like this. Besides, all my desired purchases are shoes, and I’ll just havta work on keepin’ those ankles skinny.  Voila, #ChicToTheNextLev!

A classic New York breakfast feast!  Never did I want a meat so badly to be in my mouth.  One everything, whole wheat flagel with egg-whites, low-fat Swiss Alpine Lace cheese, and a few well-done slices of bacon for good measure. It maybe be “Mind Over Matter March,” but I bet self-control doesn’t taste like this. Besides, all my desired purchases are shoes, and I’ll just havta work on keepin’ those ankles skinny.  Voila, #ChicToTheNextLev!

At first glance I assumed this video was filmed in Paris.  A quick rewind and I realized that all of these inspired individuals were sitting in hotels, cafes, and offices right here in New York.  I went on to watch the rest of Garance’s videos, even those filmed in Paris, and yet none felt quite as romantic as this one.

This past weekend I discussed the power of New York with a good friend.  She is literally half way ‘round the world in Thailand, and I too was halfway to Thailand with the amount of Chianti I had consumed.  If you don’t have a boyfriend, might I suggest a friend to drunk-text?  She is moving to New York in May in further pursuit of her intellectual studies.  I.E. Society has no place for yet another Economics major so a higher-er degree it is!  And why is it that I’m in law school?  ”So, what exactly is it that a European Cultural Studies major… studied?”  

My friend informed me of her big move to the Lower East Side and I was hardly enthused.  What inspires me about New York is the history of it all.  The constant tear-downs on the LES nearly brings me to tears.  Don’t get me wrong about Downtown, I love the cobblestoned streets of Meat-Packing, and the endlessly forking roads of Greenwich Village, but something about the Old New York feel of the Upper East Side inspires me.  

Maybe I’ve been watching too many Woody Allen films (more on Midnight in Paris later), but waking up above 50th St. (I have a girlfriend on 51st you sick bastard), motivates me to eagerly take on the day (perhaps Adderall induced), throw on my best (and only) Christian Dior peacoat and do something worthwhile.  I call it, New-York-aphoria.  TRADEMARK!  

DAILY INSPIRATION Last May I found myself a white fur coat (that looks nothing like this) for a measly $25 in the depths of Waltham Thrift.  When I saw it I thought, “Oh my god, how practical!  And they’re just giving it away!”  Yet being the bargain shopper that I am (code for Jew), I still felt the need to make myself a deal.  I haggled the damn thing down a to even $20, and now it’s been almost a year and I’ve failed to wear it, even once.  It’s boxy and sheds but it chi-chi-chiccccc!  It’s most likely rabbit (and that means cat), yet I have been rebuffed from wearing it on more than one attempt.  Fat friends, they’ll just never understand fashion. It’s about 50 degrees outside again today, so you know I aint sportin’ this look to class.  Thank you global warming!  You know every time someone says that a polar bear dies?  I never thought I’d say it but I actually do miss winter.  I mean, I never even got the opportunity to wear my Burberry snow boots.  $400 wasted!  But really, saying you miss winter is like saying you miss your grandma, you like the idea of it, but the minute she goes to kiss you with a face covered in creamed spinach it’s over between the two of you. Happy Monday y’all (If you didn’t watch GCB last night on ABC you only hurt yourself)!

DAILY INSPIRATION

Last May I found myself a white fur coat (that looks nothing like this) for a measly $25 in the depths of Waltham Thrift.  When I saw it I thought, “Oh my god, how practical!  And they’re just giving it away!”  Yet being the bargain shopper that I am (code for Jew), I still felt the need to make myself a deal.  I haggled the damn thing down a to even $20, and now it’s been almost a year and I’ve failed to wear it, even once.  It’s boxy and sheds but it chi-chi-chiccccc!  It’s most likely rabbit (and that means cat), yet I have been rebuffed from wearing it on more than one attempt.  Fat friends, they’ll just never understand fashion.

It’s about 50 degrees outside again today, so you know I aint sportin’ this look to class.  Thank you global warming!  You know every time someone says that a polar bear dies?  I never thought I’d say it but I actually do miss winter.  I mean, I never even got the opportunity to wear my Burberry snow boots.  $400 wasted!  But really, saying you miss winter is like saying you miss your grandma, you like the idea of it, but the minute she goes to kiss you with a face covered in creamed spinach it’s over between the two of you.

Happy Monday y’all (If you didn’t watch GCB last night on ABC you only hurt yourself)!

I was quite tempted to succumb to the sads, for in no way, shape, or form did I have any part of Fashion Week this year. Thanks to the $50,000 I took out in Law School loans, I was obligated to steer clear of all the Fashion Week hoopla. Well, almost. I did throw out a “We’re on list,” whilst galavanting around the NYFW party scene. I have a strict “no fun” policy unless someone whispers the golden words, “free booze.” Then all bets are off, I throw on my best panties, and am out the door in under 30. But that “list” crap really works! Nevermind that my nipple was elegantly peering out from behind my top. Seems it wanted a look at what was goin’ on behind that door almost as bad as Big D (that’s me, you would think I’d call my ma lady treasure ‘lil D but I don’t gotta roll like that if I don’t wanna). JLo totes stole my thing.

I’ve missed New York, London, Milan and now Paris, so if I’m gonna attempt some merriment why not another “Shit Fashion Girls Say” video? They say that this is the final parody, which I believe lies in that fact that sistah’s weave is gettin’ a ‘lil Raggedy LohANNE. I found that watching this was almost as exhilarating/depressing as that time I pummeled over 12 year olds to see the last Harry Potter installment. You know it’s gonna be great, but does it really have to end?

This week J.Crew opened its second Tribeca boutique for men. While The Liquor Store, which opened in 2008, carries all menswears, from shirts to ties, pube-trimmers, and butt-plugs, the brand’s new Ludlow Shop focuses specifically on suits.  It’s rumored that Tribeca had such a high demand for suiting that J. Crew simply needed to expand into a new space.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that rumor was spread by a forty-something Tribeca divorcee who… who quite frankly has been lookin’ to get spread herself.  And albeit for quite sometime now, too!  If one moderately priced J. Crew menswear store doesn’t bring out the well-to-do straight men, a second just might do the trick.  No doubt you can find me lurkin’ around those parts in the hopes of finding one maself! 12-4 on Fridays, that corner is mine!   The amenities at the new J. Crew Ludlow shop include tailoring, monogramming, door-to-door courier service, and advice from suiting experts.  50 Hudson St. at Thomas St., 212-587-3139, jcrewmens.com. (Racked)

This week J.Crew opened its second Tribeca boutique for men. While The Liquor Store, which opened in 2008, carries all menswears, from shirts to ties, pube-trimmers, and butt-plugs, the brand’s new Ludlow Shop focuses specifically on suits.  It’s rumored that Tribeca had such a high demand for suiting that J. Crew simply needed to expand into a new space.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that rumor was spread by a forty-something Tribeca divorcee who… who quite frankly has been lookin’ to get spread herself.  And albeit for quite sometime now, too!  If one moderately priced J. Crew menswear store doesn’t bring out the well-to-do straight men, a second just might do the trick.  No doubt you can find me lurkin’ around those parts in the hopes of finding one maself! 12-4 on Fridays, that corner is mine!  

The amenities at the new J. Crew Ludlow shop include tailoring, monogramming, door-to-door courier service, and advice from suiting experts.  50 Hudson St. at Thomas St., 212-587-3139, jcrewmens.com.

(Racked)

What?  Like you can’t afford the Balmain Fall 2012 Collection?  Pieces are only estimated to run upwards of $10,000.  Is that like, expensive?  Aim high hunnie!  But if your version of high is a slice of Cheesecake from the factory itself, well then aim higher. Instead of investing in a piece (or pissing away) inspired by Elizabeth Taylor’s Fabergé egg, why not try for the next best thing?  Follow Fashionigma on Twitter!  And don’t expect simple re-post of the day’s unnecessary ramblings.  Get to know your source for all things Fashionigma on a more intimate… and albeit unwarranted level. Follow Fashionigma on Twitter here, and here… here too.

What?  Like you can’t afford the Balmain Fall 2012 Collection?  Pieces are only estimated to run upwards of $10,000.  Is that like, expensive?  Aim high hunnie!  But if your version of high is a slice of Cheesecake from the factory itself, well then aim higher.

Instead of investing in a piece (or pissing away) inspired by Elizabeth Taylor’s Fabergé egg, why not try for the next best thing?  Follow Fashionigma on Twitter!  And don’t expect simple re-post of the day’s unnecessary ramblings.  Get to know your source for all things Fashionigma on a more intimate… and albeit unwarranted level.

Follow Fashionigma on Twitter here, and here… here too.

FASHIONIGMA OF THE DAY! Hard to believe that this bitch actually eats things other than air, pills, and a variety of liquids. ‘Tis true, Sport’s Illustrated Model, Chrissy Teigen has her very own food blog: So Delushious, ”Ramblings from a girl who loves bacon and can’t be fat.”  I hope she means she isn’t allowed to get fat ‘cause “my agent says…”, and not that she literally cannot get fat.  If not the former than I would pay big money to harvest summa those eggs.  My metabolism has already slowed as evidenced by my overuse of, “The Dry-Cleaner shrunk ANOTHER pair of my pants?!” and my future children could really use all the help they can get. I first caught a glimpse of the 26 year old model when she was Andy Cohen’s guest on his Bravo talk-show, Watch What Happens Live (WWHL).  After a few drinks Chrissy and her fiancé, singer John Legend, let it all hang loose.  And I’d have to agree with Brooklyn Decker on this one, they are quite lovable, especially after a drink or two, or three, or four.  If there’s one thing I can thank Bravo for, it’s for letting the world enjoy the career killing moments made possible by Andy Cohen lubricating his guests with cocktails until they do this on live TV.  And when I say they I really mean Andy Cohen.  The man is the head of programing and gave himself a TV show.  I kinda miss the old Andy.  Bring back the eye DIVA!  Everything changed after you took it for a spit-shine! On WWHL, I was rather shocked to find that Chrissy and John were both huge foodies.  And, after doing a ‘lil recon on my new girl crush I was impressed to find her writing thoughtful and witty.  She gorgeous, hilarious, and she cooks delicious looking meals with recipes that don’t just consist of, “1 large bag of ice, 4 Diet Cokes, 2 bottles of X-Lax…” Even though it has nothing to do with food, when discussing her weakness to well targeted advertising she admits,   “The only thing I don’t want right now is a subscription to Education Connection, a catheter, or an attorney for ruined vaginal mesh. Seriously what the fuck? Why does it need a commercial? Do people need to be reminded that their vaginal mesh is ruined and they might need a lawyer for it? Is it something that isn’t constantly on their mind and they just need a gentle prodding to do something about it? More importantly, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. “ Point proven or what?  So check out sodelushious.com for some fantastic foodie finds!

FASHIONIGMA OF THE DAY!

Hard to believe that this bitch actually eats things other than air, pills, and a variety of liquids. ‘Tis true, Sport’s Illustrated Model, Chrissy Teigen has her very own food blog: So Delushious, ”Ramblings from a girl who loves bacon and can’t be fat.”  I hope she means she isn’t allowed to get fat ‘cause “my agent says…”, and not that she literally cannot get fat.  If not the former than I would pay big money to harvest summa those eggs.  My metabolism has already slowed as evidenced by my overuse of, “The Dry-Cleaner shrunk ANOTHER pair of my pants?!” and my future children could really use all the help they can get.

I first caught a glimpse of the 26 year old model when she was Andy Cohen’s guest on his Bravo talk-show, Watch What Happens Live (WWHL).  After a few drinks Chrissy and her fiancé, singer John Legend, let it all hang loose.  And I’d have to agree with Brooklyn Decker on this one, they are quite lovable, especially after a drink or two, or three, or four.  If there’s one thing I can thank Bravo for, it’s for letting the world enjoy the career killing moments made possible by Andy Cohen lubricating his guests with cocktails until they do this on live TV.  And when I say they I really mean Andy Cohen.  The man is the head of programing and gave himself a TV show.  I kinda miss the old Andy.  Bring back the eye DIVA!  Everything changed after you took it for a spit-shine!

On WWHL, I was rather shocked to find that Chrissy and John were both huge foodies.  And, after doing a ‘lil recon on my new girl crush I was impressed to find her writing thoughtful and witty.  She gorgeous, hilarious, and she cooks delicious looking meals with recipes that don’t just consist of, “1 large bag of ice, 4 Diet Cokes, 2 bottles of X-Lax…”

Even though it has nothing to do with food, when discussing her weakness to well targeted advertising she admits,  

“The only thing I don’t want right now is a subscription to Education Connection, a catheter, or an attorney for ruined vaginal mesh. Seriously what the fuck? Why does it need a commercial? Do people need to be reminded that their vaginal mesh is ruined and they might need a lawyer for it? Is it something that isn’t constantly on their mind and they just need a gentle prodding to do something about it? More importantly, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. “

Point proven or what?  So check out sodelushious.com for some fantastic foodie finds!

Hermes Twilly! Thanks mom! Now how ‘bout that Berkin?

Hermes Twilly! Thanks mom! Now how ‘bout that Berkin?

‘Twas nearly a year ago that I met Head Bitch (HB). It was one of those glamorous encounters in which we were both waiting for the bathroom. And like anyone who runs shit, HB demanded to know the purpose of my visit to the restroom. “Girl, what are you doing in there? Mind if I jo- wait, you’re actually just going to the bathroom? ” I was wondering how every single toilet in a 3000 sq. ft. Penthouse apartment in Meatpacking could be occupato, but that would explain it.

Regardless of HB’s questionable lust for nose candy, I found her to be as charming as Regina George and let her adopt me for the evening. In a hot minute she had hauled off all of the party’s models, myself included, to 1Oak. Don’t ask me how or why she thought it appropriate to invite me, but she insisted, and you do what HB tells you. At 5’ 8” and 140 lbs I was the shortest and fattest bitch for as far as the eye could see. This would not be the last night some idiot gestured to my large breasts so as to ask, “You’re face, it is so beautiful, but uh, are you a… uh… one of those big…ger models?”

Minor detail says HB, “My besties meeting us there with her BF and she’s a super famezies model, be cool.” And there she was — tall, blonde, and a size 2 with massive bazoomas. But forget Kate Upton, it was when I realized she had arrived on the arm of Blake Griffin did I nearly drop a load in my pants. NBA Rookie of the Year?! My then-beau nearly poked me with his hard-on from across the continent in LA.

Kate and Blake were on each other like puppies trying to wrestle out of a pillow case. And lap-dances, why not?! You’d think ‘cause Blake’s a Farm Boy from Oklahoma he don’t know how to do it dirty. Well with Kate bent over, and Blake Ass-To-Face, it seemed like he knew his way around the barn.

As I admired the truly glorious spectacle, Blake turned to me (Kate was ass-up) and said, “Hey.” At first I thought, “So cute, he’s embarrassed!” But I then realized he was thinking, “You’ve been staring at us for quite some time now and I bet you’re wishing you could pull off that ‘tank-top as a dress’ look!” As Blake braced himself on my thigh from the lap-dance we must have exchanged some sort of kismet energy. I had been trying to pull off the tank-dress for decades! It was like he had peered into my soul.

After that I made it my mission to fill my hatred tank with a premium certified helping of Kate Upton. It didn’t help that Kate continued to haunt me wherever I went. I saw the damn girl’s picture plastered on nearly every bus and cab within LA county, and even found her crusty and crinkled under my boyfriend’s bed! Sport’s Illustrated cover model, Victoria’s Secret rebel - like I cared. But then it happened… I saw the Carl Jr.’s commercial you see before you, and all hope was lost. The legs. The eyes. The hair… The ta-tas? KATE YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY MEAT! Shun me, shame me, I’ll take it, ‘cause I’m officially on a strict diet of Katerade.